Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Dear Mr. Dolan,

I would like to offer my services to you and your team. I would like to offer my services, for free, until the trade deadline. You guys take a vacation, turn your cell phones off and just relax. I will take all the calls and make the day to day decisions, I'll even do a few things that when you return you will be pleasantly surprised.

I can start right now but I need to ask you a favor first, can you leave me Rich DeVos' phone number? You might want to know why and I really shouldn't tell you but I need to talk to him about that Dwight Howard guy. I know, I know we can't afford him but have I got a deal for you. Hear me out Mr. Dolan.

This whole Jeremy Lin/Carmelo Anthony thing just isn't working. As a matter of fact, it is so disturbing to watch the team run in mud. Carmelo Anthony will never be able to adapt to Lin's style of play and right now Lin had the team winning, Lin had the team playing as a team and Lin was putting tushes in the seat. I know, I know, I like Melo too but we need to think of everyone. Don't worry, this is what I will tell Rich DeVos.

Rich what's up? Hey before you say no, listen to my offer. I will trade you Carmelo Anthony and Tyson Chandler for Dwight Howard and Hedu Turkelu. Rich? Rich, did I lose you? OK, good, now hear me out. I know that you just don't want to trade Howard for nothing and no team wants to give you a marquee player to fill your arena. You also don't want Howard just walking away from Orlando like that other guy that walked, Shaq. You see how that played out for you. I am offering you not one but two marquee players that can still take you to the playoffs and fill arenas. Melo has two years left on his contract and Chandler has three. It's a no brainer. What was that? Why am I being so generous? Have you seen how my team plays together? Melo is great but not great with us. He looks completely lost out there. And Chandler is a monster but I can't use two centers. Plus, if you think that the Nets are going to scoop up Howard and move him to Brooklyn, you're nuts. So, what do you say, deal?

I also have one more idea Mr. Dolan. While you are enjoying yourself, I will take the liberty of getting rid of D'Antoni. I will fly out and talk to Phil Jackson and I will show him how his leadership will work here in New York. He is the Zen Master and who better to be Zen-like than your starting point guard, Jeremy Lin. I will tell Phil this, "I know your offensive system can be quite complicated but your point guard is a Harvard graduate!! That kid knows complicated." Phil Jackson couldn't refuse.

Mr. Dolan, I am only trying to help. There is no downside to this. We pretty much are a circus and whatever moves I make can't make matters worse.

Thank you for listening and hopefully I can start tomorrow.

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