Submitted for your approval....a man only known as Dwayne, is stuck in an neverending purgatory of playing the same round of golf over and over again. Unsuspecting of the man called Dwayne, golfers will have to play nine holes of hell....the golfers do not see the sign up ahead for the Twilight Zone.
I always look forward to our Thursday evening 9 hole jaunt. Speaking for everyone in the group, I think that we all look forward to getting out there and just letting it fly. I believe that every group that has been playing consistently together, gets used to everyone's idiosyncrasies. When one member of the foursome can not make it and now you might get the single added to your group, here lies the crap shoot. Don't get me wrong, our group is a group with it's own personality. We have Hanania and the Beegs, we have The Standing at Attention Driver, we have Magellen and of course who can forget the cast member that is on hiatus from the group, Cliff Clavine.
Now, I am relaying a story that I did not witness but I was told about. Last week, due to business commitments, I could not make the Thursday night walk in the park. This Thursday night was going to be played at Bixby Golf Course. Now remember, my work commitment dwindled the group down to three.
The first tee box at Bixby basically butts up to the parking lot. Our three duffers are ready to tee off when they hear from the parking lot, a voice yelling, "Hey, can I join you guys?" They turn and see this guy heading to them and I am told he was a site to behold. Here comes this heavy 6'4" sweaty man wearing a red tank top, saggy shorts and Birkenstocks and just dragging his bag behind him. He introduced himself and told everyone his name is Dwayne. I was told Dwayne was hiding a basketball under his tank top. I guess he was fingernails on the chalkboard annoying and a know it all. Dwayne was rivaling Cliff Clavine.
Before our foursome takes off, let me explain our Cliff Clavine. Our Cliffy likes to keep everyones score in his head. Cliffy will point out to you how well he is doing and he will constantly chatter during everyone's shots. Also Cliffy will give you facts that only Cliffy could know. We love Cliff.
As our group leaves the first tee, they realize that Dwayne seemed to just walk on the golf course from the parking lot and never made it into the starters. Dwayne parked his pirate ship in the lot and is now plundering Bixby GC. Dwayne decided to tell everyone how to play every hole and just refused to shut up.
On one hole Dwayne decided to play caddy and tell one of the guys, "Aim for the sandtrap, you'll be fine." That's like someone telling Custer, "Don't worry, they're friendly Indians" Well, he listened and he ended up having a trip to the beach, He turned and told Dwayne and said, "What the hell Dwayne, what kind of advice was that?"
At every hole, Dwayne would sit down on the tee bench and wax philosophical like the great Buddha that he was. He would reach into his bag and take a jigger out and drink some sort of elixir. On the seventh hole, Dwayne was sitting on his tee bench and spinning another yarn. Dwayne began to tell a story of how he shot a hole-in-one on this very hole but no one witnessed it because the threesome that he was with disappeared. Go figure. The three guys got Dwayned so bad they scrapped the last three holes and hoofed it back to safety.
Here is my ode to Dwayne Bixby:
Sirs my name is Dwayne, I am known throughout the land, as the big fat golf pain.
I wiggle and jiggle, like a bowl full of jelly
And sit on the tee bench with my Buddha belly.
When the round ended and the foursome come out of the tunnel and into the parking lot, everyone says there goodbyes and walk to their respective cars. One of the threesome notice that Dwayne has the back hatch of his Prius open and he is rummaging for something. He closes the hatch and starts walking to the first tee and all of our weary golfers could hear is, "Hey guys can I join you?"